long day

well its been a long time since I have posted and a lot of things have happened.  I had a cousin that pass away at the age of 40 due to a drug overdose leaving behind 2 daughters ages 13 and 8. My heart breaks for those little girls. when will the world learn drugs are not the answer. well on a better note my daughter has joined our youth cheer leading and loves it. Things are a little too un-organized for me but its all about her not me. She was home sick all day today with a fever and stomach hurting her. felt very odd staying home from work I never miss work. I'll do any thing for my kids. I now need to do something for me. looking in the mirror at how much weight I have gained just makes me sick. My kids and family have to be embarrassed I know I am. My health it not good now with all these extra pounds. hopefully I will have better news next time I post. well thanks for listening.

I feel really gulity today

A very close and dear friend told me today that due to a death in her family she was Inheriting a large amount of money. I love this person very much and would say that at this point in my life she is my best friend. even though I am very happy for her I am very jealous. I feel really guilty for feeling that way and ask god to forgive me for being so selfish. What is wrong with me. I dream and say a prayer every night to win the lottery (which I always forget to play). I just want to win enough to get me out of this financial problems I'm having. I have even gone as far as saying to god in my prayers if I win more I will gladly help other that need help like I do. I am not a selfish person and really enjoy doing nice things for other. I get a true joy out of doing for others. I just want to get a break of my own. I know we are not suppose to question the journey god has sent us here complete. I just wonder what I'm here to learn. Any subjection on this let me know. Thanks for reading.   

well today was a horrible day my depression and anger was a 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. I had the sheriffs department on my property again yesterday looking for my cousins kid.s  They had a warrant for him and god only knows what he's done this time. He decided to run and hide out of my property. I feel I am the luckiest person to have a family like this. spent the day upset with my own family due to being so irritated.They are the ones who has to deal with me when things get bad. Its not fair to them or to me.I feel so bad when I act that way.  I went to the lake with my daughters and had a good time and got away really started to feel better but as soon as I returned home the feelings were there again. I even went outside and through a few lawn chairs around and slammed a few doors. I am so ashamed of my behavior. I had to take an extra depression pill to calm down.  I really need to get rid of the family that's causing me all the grief.. I just want to pack up my family and move away. maybe tomorrow will be better. I go back to work after 10 days of vacation. I love my job and the girls I work with but I could use another week with pay. God help me to survive all this mess.

Where to Start

well I really don't know where to start with this crazy life of mine.I just need a way to vent my feeling and cope, so I thought I would try blogging. I am a middle age women with 3 children and a husband that I'm not sure I can stand anymore.I've been married for 26 yrs and don't think I even still love him . He's made some really bad choices in his life that's affected mine. Approx 10 yrs ago when I was pregnant with my 3 child my husband had an affair that lasted about 5 months.I was told by his own brother who thought I already knew. I have never been able to forgiven him and really only stayed for my children.I'm not sure that was the best choice, I really feel that it wasn't the first time but could never prove it. we used to fight a lot but now I just don't care enough to fight with him about anything. I am very good at putting on a front for everyone around me. It's like I can't let anyone else know my real problems and how I really feel.I work in a medical office and love my job but do to my employers age I may be out of a job it the next few years. I really just hope its enough time to get my self out of the financial issues I also have, That's only going to take another $40,000 not counting my Mortgage . My finances and Family are another big story that helps with me depression. I had property left to me by my father when He died. My mom still lives there in the house I grew up in along with other family members. I told my family I would need to sell the property because I could not afford to pay the taxes and the Insurance, they agreed to pay the taxes and the Insurance If I didn't sell it and let them continue to live there. Well that was 11 years ago and It's been a fight every year since trying to get the taxes payed. Insurance has been canceled and the taxes are now 2 years behind.I was able to sell one piece of property but the wrong tract was transferred by the court house to the new owner.We were unaware of this until almost 3 years latter.  I went to sell another piece of property and was unable to due to the wrong tract being transferred. During the same 3 years my Husband had lost his job and was unemployed for a year and a half. So by the time we know they had transferred the wrong piece of property we had about $40,000 in liens on the property and could not transfer the deeds until the liens were paid. My home was also in foreclosure but I was able to get my mortgage re-done and saved my home. I've paid off about $10,000 of the liens but can't switch deeds until all the liens are payed. needless to say the property owner is not happy but does understand that the liens would be transferred to him is we did it now. I still own the property with the family home but that's where my 80 yr old mother and my sister and her family lives and since there are on a limited/fixed Income and can't afford to move I can't sell it e without putting them out on the the street. I love my children more than life its self and they are the only thing I have to keep me going. I thank god everyday for what I have and for all he does for me and my family. My life may be hard but there are always families worse off than mine. I know that god has a plan for me even though I don't understand what it is and what I need to learn from my life. I believe we are all here on earth to accomplish something I just wish I know what mine was.I talk to god everyday and never question my belief in him. He helps me through everything in his way. You just really need to make sure what you ask for is what you really want.  Thanks for reading my blog and any suggestions are welcome.